by: Tom Morrow

For those serious history buffs as noted by 6th grade students:
“Noah’s wife was Joan of Ark.”
“Middle Eastern history was written by Florence of Arabia.”
“The Soviets erected the Berlin Mall.”
“Plato invented reality. He was teacher to Harris Tottle, author of The Republicans.”
“Germany’s William II had a chimp on his shoulder and had to ride his horse with only one hand.”
And, in case you never knew how World War II began, “The Germans took the by-pass around France’s Marginal Line. This was known as the ‘Blintz Krieg.'”
These 7th grade students understand time and geographic compression:
“The Boston Tea Party was held at Pearl Harbor.”
“Americans wanted no involvement in the French and Indian War because they did not want to fight in India.”
“Moses was told by Jesus Christ to lead the people out of Egypt into the Sahaira Desert. The Book of Exodus describes this trip, including the Ten Commandments, various special effects and the building of the Suez Canal.”
If you can’t dazzle the teacher with brilliance, try the opposite approach:
“Zorroastrologism was founded by Zorro. This was a duelist religion.”
“During the Dark Ages it was mostly dark.”
“Christianity was just another mystery cult until Jesus was born. The mother of Jesus was Mary, who was different from other women because of her immaculate contraption.”
“The fall of empires has been a good thing, because it gives more people a chance to exploit their own people without outside interference.”
And, as we all learned early on, if you really don’t know the answer to a test question, just write something smart-sounding:
“History is nothing more than the behind of the present. This gives incites from the anals of the past.”
“The British Empire is in a state of recline. Its colonies have slowly dribbled away leaving only the odd speck on the map.”
“Civil rights leader Martin Luther Junior was slain in the 1960s, shortly after making his famous ‘If I Had A Hammer’ speech.”
“World War II began turning around when the Allies landed near Italy’s toe and gradually advanced up her leg.”
And finally, “Hitler shot himself in the bonker.”
WHO’S WHO – O’side’s “who’s who” and “movers & shakers,” will gather in all their finery Saturday evening on the Civic Center Plaza to celebrate the Oceanside Museum of Art’s 20th Annual Gala. The city is gaining a reputation for being a cultural arts center in the County. The OMA is recognized by art experts as being one of the finest in Southern California. A champagne reception begins at 6 p.m. on the patio of the Museum. All exhibits will be open during the reception. The party will move over to the Plaza around 6:45 p.m. With thanks to Co-Chairs Cheryl Weiner and Mary Rombotis, this year’s event is shaping up to be a grand success. A few steaks remain. Call 760-435-3720.
DATE SAVER – The 31st annual Old Mission Heritage Ball is set for Saturday, Aug. 16, at Mission San Luis Rey. Co-Chairs Robbie Hass and Laurie Weseloh are planning an exciting evening featuring cocktails and hors d’ oeuvres served in the sacred and rose gardens, followed by a sit-down dinner in the heritage garden where there will be dancing under the stars. For more information and reservations, call Maureen Sullivan at 760-757-3651, Ext. 146, or go online at: www.mslrheritageball.com.
GROANER — A movie producer was planning his next blockbuster — an action docudrama about famous composers, so he set up a meeting with such noted icons as Sylvester Stallone, Jean-Claude Van Damme and Arnold Schwarzenegger, offering each a chance to select which famous musicians they’d like to portray.
“I’ve always admired Mozart,” Stallone said. “I’d love to play him.”
“Chopin has always been my favorite,” said Van Damme. “That’s the part for me.”
The producer turned to Schwarzenegger. “And you, Arnold? Who do you want to be?”
There was a long silence, then Arnold replied, “I’ll be Bach.”
FINAL WORDS — On a Silver City, Nev. tombstone: “Here lays Butch, we planted him raw. He was quick on the trigger, but slow on the draw.
A NOVEL IDEA – For my latest novel, “Haunted Bones,” a murder mystery set in Oceanside, go to: www.tomorrowsnovels.com
Send me your items of interest and comments to: [email protected].

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E-mail Tom Morrow at: [email protected]